I’m not going to lie and tell you that the week leading up to my birthday was full of fun and excitement. It wasn’t. It was far from. It was a week full of reviewing my life. Trying to figure out when the last time my life felt full. Because this past week, I’ve realized that I am a shell of a person. A shell that has missing so many pieces. Pieces that have been left somewhere or taken or given. I’m fragmented. Not whole. Empty. I know I’m supposed to be a wife, mother, sister, daughter, nurse, etc. But, I was struggling. I felt like I was barely hanging on. I couldn’t be good at any of those things until I found those pieces and put them back where they belonged.
Lately, I’ve felt that all I’ve done is give. If I don’t give, they take. My entire job as a nurse is to give. I give of myself at someone’s worst hour. Then after 12 1/2 hours of giving, I need to come home and give more. My children are the biggest offenders, obviously. They take until I’m completely empty. Then, they take some more and I have nothing left for even myself. I just can’t. I yell, I cry. I go from bad mom to worst mom. The next day, I put on a smile and hope for a better day. But everyday is the same. Nothing changes. I needed it to change… I needed to be whole. I wanted to run away to find it. Preferably, I hoped I could find it with my toes in the sand on the ocean. But, I’d take anything. I just needed to be away from the constant giving and taking.
Then last night, I went out with a great friend and after a couple of drinks, some great food, and a much needed heart to heart, I woke up today feeling renewed. I was ready for a fresh year. 37 was going to be great because I was going to make it wonderful (right after I had my coffee, of course).
But also, the massive amounts of love I received via phone calls, texts, or Facebook. You all rock! Somehow most of those missing pieces found their way back to me today. I’ve felt more whole today than I have in a long time.
Granted after walking into the home to some wonderful surprises:
the kids decided to become hellions and fight and cause an enormous amount of frustration. But Dave…. he took as much as he could so that I didn’t have to give out more of myself for just one day. One day so that I could feel more whole and have a day where I felt appreciated and loved. It was so needed and I felt so grateful for him and all he does for me.
My in-laws called to wish me a happy birthday right after a frustrating conversation with Madelyn about how she needs to communicate more. I let it all out to my MIL. I told her all of my feelings lately. At times during the retelling of the evening, I wanted to cry, but she laughed. That laughter helped so much. After that phone call, I felt better. Why cry, when you can just laugh. The frustrations melt away so much quicker.
So, 37…. I’ll be ok. Sure 40 is around the corner. But, I’m going to make sure that the rest of my 30’s are going to be a hell of a good time.