Today should be different.

Today, I should be videotaping Madelyn and Asher saying “Happy Birthday, Grandpa” and sending it to your phone so that you could rewatch it often.

Today, we should be wishing you a Happy 55th birthday. It’s yet another milestone.

But instead, today we will be visiting your grave and placing harley themed flowers with you. Today, as we have everyday since you have been taken away from us, we cry for the loss of you. We will be giving Caren a DVD of Madelyn’s 4K year. I wish you could be watching it with her and see how many things Madelyn did this school year. At the end, if you listen close, she tells you what she wants to be when she grows up. I know you’d smile.

I have told everyone I come in contact with how great you were and how you would light up the room with your personality and smile. I know that would have gotten a friend in all of them.

Today, I am still angry that you are not here. There were plans this summer. You didn’t have to work so much overtime and you hoped we’d bring the kids over more. I’m devastated that we can’t see you anymore and the kids won’t get swept up in your arms. My heart is still breaking each and everytime I think about how you are gone. I am trying to pick myself up and live my life like I think you did. Make time for the ones you love, even if you have worked a night shift and have to work the next:) You still came to baptisms and birthdays and any other occassion regardless of how tired I knew you were. I wish I told you how much I appreciated it.

This is so hard. Dave is being my rock and I feel bad that he has to be strong for me. I know you were so proud of the man he became. He is such a wonderful husband and father. Words cannot describe how happy I am to be his wife.

I don’t know when it will get better. I still am in denial sometimes. I don’t know why things can’t be different. I don’t know why you were taken and I want to know these reasons.

But today, I am still so sad. Maybe next year I can celebrate you.

Happy birthday, Dad.

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